bubba gump shrimp

The following is sort of a low-cal live blog from the debate last night. You may be wondering what exactly a low-cal live blog is. Well, my friends, I’ll tell you: considering I’m posting the thing twelve hours after the debate actually occured, it’s not really a live blog at all.  Also, I was not really too focused on writing anything substantial, just so we’re clear. Plus, I wanted Obama to win the thing, thus forsaking any chance that I would be paying attention to what the men were saying in an unbiased fashion, though I did try…. Oh, I was tired too. Damn babies. And the ghost of Sarah Palin’s debate past couldn’t-and can’t-seem to leave me. She is haunting there, and also in my mind there she is also haunting me too. Let’s give her a shout-out: “Both are extremely dangerous, of course. And as for who coined that central war on terror beingin Iraq, it was the General Petraeus and al Qaeda, bothleaders there and it’s probably the only thing that they’re ever goingto agree on, but that it was a central war on terror is in Iraq.”

Anyhow, below is the highly disorganized mismash of the live blog I turned out. I’d also like to point out that I know these things usually work in reverse, aka what appears at the top of the column is what happened at the end of the debate. And people also use time markers so that readers know what the writer is actually referring to in the chain of events of the debate. Whatever. I do things my way.

9:00. We begin. I am in love with Tom Brokaw. HIS VOICE IS AMAZING. I wish I could speak like that.

Barack speaks first. Pretty sure Obama has said all this before…but he does sound good….blah, I’m bored already.

I don’t know about this town hall thing. Everyone is walking around waaaay too much. I feel dizzy from the movement. Barry and John are bopping in their seats. As my homeboy Lt. Dan says to Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump: “Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit down! Shuuuuuuuuuuut up!”

Okay, now I feel sort of bad for the people in the audience. Talk about pressure. It appears they were told to have no reaction on their faces at any time. Which is odd considering the types of things that are being discussed. (PS: I don’t feel like typing about what is actually being discussed, but it has something to do with a certain economic crisis you may or may not be aware of. I’ll break it down: “I’m right, you’re wrong, you’re doing nothing for the folks on main street, main street, main street.”
Okay, I could be imagining this, but people in the audience seem like they’re grimacing at McCain. I admit I could just be hallucinating. Damn pot brownie.

Did I mention how amazing Tom B is?

Okay, McCain just gave a shout out to Warren Buffet when Tom asked him who he would maybe appoint as the next Sec. of the Treasury; Obama gives a head nod. Classy on McCain’s part. Seems like his old self. KILL PALIN TAKE BACK THE EMPIRE.

Okay, so what if someone just decided to go crazy in the town hall? You know, ask some question like, “So, John, how exactly was it that it took you, oh, five years or so to realize ya wife was a pill popping drug addict who stole from the charity she created?” Just kidding! That was rude on my part. But, really, what if someone was just like, “Um, Obama HOW EXACTLY do you plan on keeping our world spinning now that Misty May Treanor has sprained her ankle on Dancing with the Stars?”  That would be legit entertaining television.

FUCK, someone just called me on my cell phone. And by someone I mean this weird guy I dated at the beginning of the summer (he is a poet. yikes.), and the only reason I picked up is he has the same name as the father of le baby I watch, whose cell phone # I also have, and for a second I thought maybe le dad was calling to tell me he got me the discounted monthly T pass he’s been promising. But no. It’s just the ghost of the creepy poet of Christmas past. I try to keep the convo brief and clearly I AM BUSY because the debate is on, but it is still like four minutes long (“how are things? how are you? how’s your fall?” bull shit bull shit bull shit) and now I don’t know what is going on.

Okay, Teresa is mad at both parties for the economic crisis. I think Obama handles it pretty well, though he calls her cynical, which is a tad risky. Now McCain is talking about being a maverick and being bipartisan. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard him talk about that before! He just pulled out a Records v. rhetoric line. Whether or not it’s true, it’s a good line. Okay, McCain is being a uge negative Nancy. And I hate the “my friends” bull shit. Does he realize how creepy he sounds?

What is cool about the town-hall format is that the candidates are forced to move on from topics because they have to get to another question. Me like that.

FUCK, my laundry needs to switch into the dryer. I’m going to ignore it and let it get wrinkly. Rebellion.

Tom is being very saucy with the time thing. He is like, “dudes, we have a format you agreed to. Ya pissing me off.” Oh, now he made a joke about the deficit! ha ha ha ha ha!

Question about what we, as Americans, have to, or should be, sacrificing to get through this crisis. Great question and one I think about often. (Editor’s note: YOU MUST READ THOMAS FRIEDMAN’S COLUMN ABOUT TAXES THIS MORNING IN THE TIMES. Click here now.)
Okay, McCain’s response is to being talking about some sort of three million dollar projector Obama apparently wanted. Um, gee, how inspiring? He’s not even answering the f-ing question, which is what do AVERAGE AMERICANS have to give up? Or, how can our leaders make us feel like we are part of something greater? And that we can do something that matters and that benefits our nation as a whole? McCain fails miserably to answer how he will lead us in that manner. At least for me he does.
Obama’s turn, and he says that each and every one of us has to do something, and he focuses on energy. That is more like it. I really like what he has to say about not just military families shouldering the burden of re-newing America.

Alriiiiight, some lady in a blue top has a huge crush on Obama. Not that I can blame her, but she needs to put that goon smile away and remember that she is a token UNDECIDED voter and shouldn’t be overly mesmerized bya B’s purple tie.

McCain is now comparing Obama to Hoover. Um, and now he is saying something about jello to a wall? Something isn’t working here…

K, had to leave to get my laundry. God, I’m so domestic these days! But now back to the debate and now sort of lost.

Ho shit. McCain just sort of spared with Brokaw about answering the question posed to him. I WILL GET TO MEDICAID GOD DAMMIT! McCain looks nuts.

Social Security is apparently easy to fix, my friends! And the Medicare and Medicaid issue will be solved by smart people, that McCain is sure of, he’s just not sure what the solution will be. Okay, McCain is clearly trying to come at this debate a certain way, and I’m going to aruge that it’s not working. He isn’t offering a vision of the future as he says he will. He’s talking about being a maverick and bipartisan again. I know I’m partisan, but I find it hard to believe that the people in that town hall aren’t thinking what I’m thinking: Obama’s answers are direct, calm, layered, and sensible. Even if you don’t agree with his ideas, he is making sense; he is answering the question. McCain doesn’t seem to have it together. MAYBE BECAUSE HE IS TOTTERING ON THE EDGE OF SENILE VILLE.

Okay, five seconds ago McCain just said our best days are ahead of us. Now he’s saying we’re in tough times. Well, which is it?

Global warming who-se-what’s it question: Why do I even bother. Of course I think Obama is doing a better job.

Healthcare: Obama again has a better answer….starting with this whole it’s a right concept. McCain starts with playing the “I understand card.” I mean, the man does have a lot of medical problems. But I don’t think McCain’s angle that “the goverment” is going to get in your way and ruin everything is the best tactic. Right now, people are thinking that the government didn’t get in the way, and look how it turned out. I understand his argument but he’s not delivering it well.

Obama is rambling. He doesn’t seem to care about the time thing. This is not good because he seems to think he can ignore rules……F-in ELITIST!!!

Okay, the question just asked was about the US military and peace-keeping. Not about Iraq. Both of them are talking about Iraq. Annoying.

STOP SAYING MY FRIENDS McCAIN. STOP.

I hope that Obama says something about how you can be a Democrat and be patriotic, about how you can respect Sen. McCain for his war service but believe that he is not the man to lead our military. Obama needs to work on this. He should talk about the G.I. bill.

I’m getting tired. Sorry. Obama said “we will kill Bin Laden.” He loves saying that lately.

McCain just dropped the Teddy Rose bomb.

They’re arguing about whose stick is bigger. He he he.

McCain just got pissed about Obama getting an extra response. He needs to take some Midol and relax. McCain said Obama was right about something-doubling forces in Afghanistan. I prefer when he is like this. I want to respect Sen. McCain, and I do when he acts like his real self.

Okay….I’m still watching, but have little to say. Perhaps this is because McCain does well when foreign policy and terrorism stuff gets brought up and that is what is occurring right now. You can’t lie that McCain connects with men like the retired navy veteran on an entirely different level than Obama.

I’m done. I can’t believe I just watched that whole thing. All and all, it was mad boring. I thought McCain was at least going to whip out some crazy Rev. Wright/you’re wife hates America line, and then Obama was going to be like “hey, everyone I just text messaged you to go on my blog and watch this video about the Keating five and then live chat about it with my running mate Joe six pack!” But no. They both seemed to play it safe. Okay, now I’m watching the post-coverage, and some people are saying that when McCain referred to Obama as “that one,” instead of calling him Senator Obama, he made a huge boo boo. Yes, that is WHAT WILL SINK HIS CAMPAIGN! That’s it! That line, and that line only! Dear God, I hate politics sometimes. I’m going to go eat some cereal and go to bed.