God Bless David Sedaris.

I hate the term LOL. In fact, I find it offensive. But there is no other way to explain what this new David Sedaris piece on undecided voters had me doing on the Bolt Bus last night. I was LOLing my ass off up on that thing. I was funking ROT(bus)FL. 

Here is the piece’s opener. (And to use my father’s favorite adjective, it is simply “superb.”)

“I don’t know that it was always this way, but, for as long as I can remember, just as we move into the final weeks of the Presidential campaign the focus shifts to the undecided voters. “Who are they?” the news anchors ask. “And how might they determine the outcome of this election?”

Then you’ll see this man or woman— someone, I always think, who looks very happy to be on TV. “Well, Charlie,” they say, “I’ve gone back and forth on the issues and whatnot, but I just can’t seem to make up my mind!” Some insist that there’s very little difference between candidate A and candidate B. Others claim that they’re with A on defense and health care but are leaning toward B when it comes to the economy.

I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?”

I don’t care who you’re voting for (well, actually that’s a blatant lie…); you’ve got to admit S-Dog is a genius. I aspire to write one-tenth the way he does one day.

(To read the rest of the equally hilarious article, click here.)